I love Sandra Dodd's writing. Such clarity and honesty, and slices through any bullshit. This post from Sandra's Always Learning list struck a chord with me...there are many but I've only just thought of putting them here on the blog for me to be able to find and read again when I feel overwhelmed. (By the way the italics and bolding are mine to highlight for myself the key points!)
Posted by: "Sandra Dodd" Sandra@SandraDodd.com sandralynndodd
Tue Aug 11, 2009 3:38 am (PDT)
-=-I said something similar to the above, but it always feels like I'm
going from nice person to bully in seconds flat. I think the trick is
to say it, mean, and let it go.-=-
But it's not about being a different person, unless you're faking the
niceness.
Here's a perfect example of why it's crucial to live by principles
instead of by rules. If you have a rule that you will be nice to
guests, that can be inviting a snake into the next. Even baby snakes
can be poison.
If you live by the principle that your house will be thoughtful and
peaceful, then you can defend that peace and that principle in all
kinds of situations without having specific rules to cover them.
You can tell her without any bullying whatsoever that if she adds to
the peace of your house, she's welcome to be there, but you wouldn't
let strangers come in and yell and demand, and you won't let friends
do it either.
-=-I never think I'm setting anyone up for a go-crazy day, but I might
be. Have to watch that. With this friend, I am probably less worried
about that happening than I am about her bullying me-=-
Think about peace and cooperation and joy, and that should prevent
bullying. If you set the day up in ways that it's clear to the girls
what fun thing you've planned and when and where the food will be and
what their many options are, that's better than "anything on earth
that will make you happy, you can have." That's beyond your power.
It it were also beyond your principles, you'd be closer to balance.
http://sandradodd.
-=- I do have a hot temper, which I used to believe was just part of
my personality. I have learned that I really can change parts of me
that I am not happy with.-=-
http://sandradodd.
http://sandradodd.
-=Anyway, I think I will offer to take Emma and her friend somewhere
and see how it goes. I'll just play out the possibilities in my head
for a day before I do. (If she says this, I'll do this. If she does
that, I'll do ____.) -=-
You could tell her you will take her if she will help make the day
peaceful and happy. You could say "Do you have a more peaceful way to
say that?" if she seems bullying, or some very-short reminder of your
deal. Or you could not respond directly to whiney begging, but say
"Let's go to the slides!" and head there happily yourself. Emotions
can be contagious, moreso for some people than others I think, but if
you be the way you want her to be, it will be easier for her to move
toward that than if you seriously discuss happiness instead of being
happy.
Still, if she crosses the line three or four times, it might be time
to cut the day short, or to go back to the house and watch a quietish
video, or to put some loud music on and dance--something that switches
from conversation or acquisition mode to focus on something non-verbal
and that isn't "to keep" anyway--like a movie, or dancing.
Sandra
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